Here’s my food entry:
Breakfast: Black coffee w/ sugar-free syrup, Splenda (0)
Lunch: Diet Coke (0)
Dinner: Tea w/ Splenda (0)
Snacks: Water (0)
Total: 0 calories. Fanfuckingtastic!!!
I couldn’t eat today. I spent the entire day crying. My boyfriend and I have been in a fight since yesterday and today, it just end it. Not even an hour ago. It ended it terribly. He broke up with me. I tried everything to keep him, every single thing. He didn’t reply. He didn’t reply. He kept not replying. Then finally, he wasn’t happy. I spend my entire day on my bed, crying and even in my closet so my parents wouldn’t hear me. I didn’t have time to eat, I didn’t want any food. He broke up with me. After almost one year? I fucking love him so much but his silence told me he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t argue, he didn’t try to fix things, he just didn’t text me back. I texted him the entire day and called him hundred of times and he told me to stop calling and that he wasn’t going to respond. Until he finally texts me that he’s not happy with me and he’s only with me out of pity and not love. I’m so heartbroken, you guys don’t know. I’m in my closet right now typing this.
We’ve been together for almost one year. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the second guy I held hands with (I only held hands with one other guy for literally less than 5 seconds), the first guy I ever loved, the first guy that ever broke my heart. I’ve never felt this immense pain before. I’ve been bullied, sexually harassed, teased, made fun of, gosh so many things and nothing ever hurt this badly. He would tell me he loved me, he called me his princess, I was so special, I felt so special with him. I’ve never felt happier in my life ever. I felt beautiful and special, I’ve never felt that in my entire life. No guy has ever liked me. Guys use to call me ugly. They use to make fun of me. I’ve never had friends before. Never. So when I got to college and I met him, I couldn’t believe it.
Gosh, I remember when I met him. My second day of University. He was so adorable, I had him for history class and we ended up sitting right next to each other. We slowly became friends. Then next semester, I had him again in my religion class. We got super close. We ended up dating, it was so beautiful. Like me, me, me, I, I, I had a boyfriend. Yes, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing. For once in my life, I felt loved. I remember all those fights but we’d always solve them and go back to loving each other.
Now, he couldn’t even tell me he loved me. He never called me beautiful anymore. He never called me princess anymore. He never asked me what was wrong when I was sad or upset, he didn’t care anymore. It was like I was another girl. This breaks me so much. He told me we would be together forever and that he thought about a future with me. He hurt me so much because my stupid self believed in him. He caught me off guard. How could I ever believe that someone would care about me? How could I ever believe that someone could love? How could I ever believe that someone thought I was beautiful? How could I could I be so fucking stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just caught me in my best moment ever. I was fresh in a University, didn’t know anyone, I was so excited, I was a straight A student, I met new friends, I met a guy that I was so in love with even before we dated, I use to care so much about my looks. I did my makeup, dressed nicely, I did my hair, my nails, I felt so beautiful. A lot of guys told me I was attractive, nice, and smart. Out of all of them, I chose him. He’s the one I wanted. He tried so hard to get me. Now, that I’m at my lowest. I’m always sad and depressed because of him, I’m always alone and pushed everyone away because he didn’t like me talking to other guys, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t paint my nails, I always wear sweats and a sweatshirt with a messy bun, I don’t even go to class anymore. Now, he doesn’t want me anymore.
Fuck ever meeting him. I never thought someone that loved me could hurt me so badly. I deleted all my social media accounts, blocked his number, and I cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I made cookies to try to distract myself and I didn’t even noticed I burned them lol. I cut myself, haven’t ever really done that before, but it felt so good.
I blame myself though. I’m a fucking idiot. Mean. Ugly. Fat. Worthless. Undesirable. Lonely. Depressed. Wears stupid glasses. Can’t do anything right. Stupid. Full of acne. I can keep going on and on and on and on. But I’ll save it for some other day.
I can’t live without him. I’m already too attached. It took so much not put sleeping pills in my cookie dough today. I just want to die. I deserve it.