I just wanted to log in my food intake for today and share what’s been going on.
Breakfast: Nonfat Greek yogurt w/ coffee (100)
Lunch: Salad w/ egg whites (50)
Dinner: Nothing (0)
Snacks: Banana (100), baby carrots (25), Diet Coke.
Total: 225 calories! Awesome 🙂
It’s that time of the year again when we all have to go back to school. We have to pay tuition, go to class, find our books, etc. It’s kinda fun (because I’m honestly bored) and it’s kinda not fun (ehh class? work?). Two more years, Liz. I can do this!
To be honest, going back to school and doing work and all that isn’t the scariest part for me right now. Right now, I’m struggling to find what I am going to do without my ex? Let me explain. For my first two years of college, I’ve hung out with him and his friends. Whether I was waiting for my next class to start, doing homework together (we have the same major and same grade level), everything was shared with him and his friends. So far, they are all I know in college. But now, it’s all going to be different. I honestly can’t be around the guy who cheated on me, broke my heart, lied, and doesn’t care about me. I can’t do it. I’m not emotionally strong enough to do be able to sit around him and be around HIS friends even if they are all I know. I can’t. It’s hard enough having to see him in a lot of my classes since we both have the same major, I know that I won’t be able to be near him during breaks or anything like that.
I feel like I have to start from zero, in a way. Meet new friends, new place to sit and hang around in (because it’s so easy for me to make friends *sarcasm*). I have a hard time making and an even harder time keeping friends. No one has stayed with me till the end. I’m that shy, nerdy girl with glasses that sits by herself. I’ve never had friends. All my “friends” have left me.
In preschool and kindergarten, I always played by myself.
In Elementry school, it was the same story, just a different age.
In middle school, I was bullied by everyone. I had such a hard time. I was sexually harassed and nothing was done to the girls that did that, the girls who made fun of me every single day of my life, the guys and girls who called me ugly, ‘black-haired’ whatever that means, fat, greasy, smelly, weird, nerdy, annoying, geeky, everything you can think of. The guy that hit me. Nothing was done. I had to deal with that all on my own. That’s when my disordered eating and self-harming started.
By high school, I was so used to being alone that it didn’t bother me anymore. I made ‘friends’ here and there with people that were in my class but they never lasted. I tried to make friends. I joined band because I thought: “hey, they’re just as nerdy and geeky as me, right?” Well, I was constantly made fun of. If someone else messed up then, they’d laugh or ignore it and moved on. Whenever I messed up, everyone would yell at me and call me stupid. Literally, I remember the people that would make fun of me. I was so afraid of messing up and I HATED going to class. I quit, of course. I didn’t even go to my high school graduation because I honestly didn’t feel like I belonged to the school. I had people that were my “friends” and some that I hardly spoke to ask if they could have my tickets.
No one cared. I had no one. No one ever said anything nice to me. No one ever asked me if I wanted to sit with them in lunch, in class, be their partners, etc. I was all alone.
Flash foward to college, I already knew that I wasn’t going to have any friends. I didn’t attempt to make any. As a matter of fact, it took me one entire semester to figure out that my ex wanted to me my friend. And another semester that he liked me. It was so hard for me to understand that somebody wanted to be friend. I never knew what “love” or “friendship” was so, I didn’t take his signals the way he intended.
My ex showed me love, friendship, he opened my eyes to a world I never knew before. Because of him, I started doing “normal” things that people my age did. For once in my life, I felt normal and loved and I felt like I belonged.
How quickly did things change.
I was so high and I had forgotten that the same way he put me on this pedastle, he could take me off, which he did. He told me that the reason why I had no friends was all my fault and that he didn’t love me or care for me. As usual, he left. Just like everyone else that has ever come in my life.
Now, I’m back where I satrted. Square one. For one minute, I had forgotten that everyone leaves me, no one wants me, no one cares about me. Well, I guess I was reminded in the most unpleasant way.
It’s time to go come down and face reality.
I’ve made this far without friends, I can do it now.
I don’t need friends.
Sorry for that long essay Just had to vent my feelings.