*Huge trigger warning for those struggling with depression or are suicidal*
I haven’t posted in a couple of days and I’m sorry for that. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster.
The other night I had mental breakdown. Everything was catching up to me. All my school problems, friends and family problems, ex problems, my entire life problems. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I cried the entire night. That night was so horrible. I remember every painful second. I remember me going into the medicine cabinet and taking some pills. I just wanted to numb all the pain away. ‘I’m tired of feeling,’ I thought. I was so tired of everything.
As I was about to take the pills, I thought that I should leave some kind of explanation to my family. So, I went up to my room and I took out a piece of notebook paper from my journal and a pen. I began to write to them. My parents, one letter. To my sister, another. As I was writing, my entire family flashed before my eyes. I thought about them. I thought about how amazing and incredible they are. My parents work their butts off to make sure we get the best life we can. They do everything for us. I thought, “wow, how could I be so damn selfish?” Can you imagine the pain they would have been in if I had done it? Neither can I.
All this time, I was worried about things that are not important in life and neglecting the people that are important. The ones who have loved me above all, the ones who will never abandon me. The people who care about me and always will. The very same people and those very same thoughts saved my life.
I have such an amazing family that for the last couple of months, I have completely taken for granted. I love them so much, I realized. I can’t believe I was being so selfish.
The next day, my friends (all of them and even people I didn’t even know) came to school and sat next to me to support me. They all came around to hug me and they all offered so much love and encouragement. It was beyond amazing. Also, thanks to those two special people that stayed up all night until I was completely safe. You’re beyond amazing. They all put me on a “suicide watch” where I was never alone and I had to respond to everyone when they texted me to make sure I was okay.
I’m so glad that I did not do it. I am loved. People do love me and care about me, I was just focusing on the wrong person.
Thank you to all those people. You guys literally saved my life.
Life is beautiful when you choose to see the beauty instead of focusing on the ugly.
Grateful to be alive.