It Happened!

Hey loves,

Earlier today I mentioned I was going to write about something big that happened to me. Well, here it is.

Firstly, I want to put a HUGE trigger warning on this post! I will be talking about some serious mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and self-harm so please don’t read if you are easily triggered.

The other day I had a full-blown panic attack. I don’t know exactly what triggered it or how it happened, but it happened. I remember I was talking to one of my professors and a friend when all of a sudden, I started to feel incredibly anxious and nervous. I started shaking and I could not breathe. They kept trying to calm me down and telling me to breathe, but I couldn’t relax or breathe. I don’t know how but I couldn’t control what was happening to me. I couldn’t even explain it to them. All of a sudden, I see 3 men in uniform and an intern and that’s when I turned even more anxious. I walked up and left for the door. They started asking me multiple questions like where I lived, how I was going to get home, if I take medication, etc. Obviously, this just made me freak out even more. I started crying and I kept telling them I wanted to leave and go home but they wouldn’t let me. I felt so intimidated with 6 men all on me and I couldn’t control what was happening to me. That’s when I told them that I was an adult and I could leave anytime I wanted. So I left. I felt terrified and overwhelmed, I had to get out of there.

I ran back to the main building on campus and went back to my usual hangout spot with my friends. They could tell that I was emotionally distraught and they kept asking me what’s wrong. I told them I was being followed by security and I needed to hide. My two girlfriends helped me find a hiding spot on campus and stayed with me until I calmed down. I realized that the security had sent the professor and my friend looking for me and they had a security car parked at every campus door. I felt extremely overwhelmed. I felt like I was being chased like a criminal. Eventually, my two girlfriends were able to sneak me through the back and call up another friend who drove me home.

When I got home, I didn’t know what to do. I was trying so hard to try to internalize everything that just happened and try to figure out a logical solution. Later, I called up a friend and she tried to calm me down and she explained to me what was happening. She said that my one friend had texted her worried about me. She tried to explain that these people just wanted to help me and that the way I reacted made me look like a mentally unstable person. She said that I should text my friend and email my professor to let them know I was okay. She talked to me for about an hour to make sure I was okay and relaxed. I felt so much better after talking to her. I texted my friend and emailed the professor to let them know I was very sorry and I was okay. This morning, I also received a phone call from security to make sure I was okay.

Now, I can’t explain what happened to me because I don’t know. I felt extremely anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, scared, emotional, everything just going through my head at once. I know I should have never walked out and ran away the way I did. That was very wrong. I know that I should have just answered their questions. I know what I should have done to ensure that the situation didn’t get to the point that it did, but I didn’t. I reacted without thinking. They were just trying to help me because they care about me (especially my friend who’s always been there for me). I just don’t know how to explain what happened and I didn’t know how to verbalize that I felt scared.

I don’t know exactly what happened to me but I’ll try my best to explain. Physically, I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all and I kept gasping for air, my heart was beating so fast that I felt that it was going to pop out of my chest, I had uncontrollable shaking with my hands and legs, and all this made me incredibly dizzy. Mentally, I felt so many emotions going through my head all at once and I couldn’t verbalize what was going on. I was so scared, nervous, worried, anxious, stressed, everything really and all I could do was cry and shake to express this. No accurate words came out of my mouth. This is the best way I can explain what happened to me.

I have no idea why this happened at all. I was stressed out about school, friends, my breakup, life. Maybe it was that. Maybe I was uncomfortable talking to that professor. I really don’t know. I’ve always been a naturally anxious and shaky person but never to this extent. Now, I always feel anxious, scared, irritated, sad, and depressed about everything. I don’t know exactly why.

I guess the reason why I am writing this is because I started to read about some of the symptoms I have. I have so many symptoms fitting into social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder/attacks, paranoia, dependent personality disorder, depression, self-injury and even things like schizophrenia and psychosis. Yup, I’m crazy. I see a lot of the symptoms in these disorders in myself. I know that I need help, I’ve always known that I am not normal. I don’t what to do but writing about it makes me feel better and a little less crazy.

Has anyone else felt this way before? Has anything similar happened to you? Please share any type of story or advice if you are comfortable. Thank you!

Your crazy friend who still loves you all,

Liz

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10 thoughts on “It Happened!

  1. What you are describing is an anxiety attack/panic attack. I have anxiety disorder myself and what you experienced is almost identical to what I experience when I have an anxiety attack. Running away was a perfectly normal response, while it can be worrisome to those who don’t understand what’s going on, I can’t count the amount of times I’ve run away and hid in a bathroom. If it happens again, the best thing to do is to tell the people around you that you need to be alone, there are too many people around you and it’s causing you to feel trapped. Typically this gets people to back off and at the very least let you be farther away from them if not out of the room.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! And that’s exactly how I felt. I felt trapped and surrounded by 6 men all around me. I just couldn’t verbalize that I felt like I had to leave and that I was scared. I tried to talk but I couldn’t say anything but shake and cry. Hopefully, it doesn’t happen again. Thank you so much for your feedback because that’s exactly how I felt!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. Hope it doesn’t happen again, when you are first learning to deal with anxiety it can kinda suck to explain to everyone and figure out all your triggers. I’ve been having anxiety attacks since I was 7 and I still don’t know all my triggers. Most of them yes, but there are times when I get super emotional and don’t have a clue why. At those times, I pull out a relatively sad movie or one I know has several points that will make me cry (harry potter and the goblet of fire is my go to) and watch it on repeat until the stupid emotions go away. If it does happen again, it would be best to keep a journal of it. Write down when it happened, how you felt, how you responded, and what the trigger was if you can figure that part out. It will help you keep track of it if you ever decide to see a doctor about it and help you figure out your triggers. It will also help you learn how to deal with them better and what to do next time that will help you better deal with the anxiety and keep people from bothering you. You might also want to sit down with your friends ( especially the one that talked to your professor) and tell them that if they are worried about you to please speak with you one on one from now on and explain how being confronted by many people at once made you feel, if you haven’t already. Most of my friends and coworkers know the signs that I’m about to or am having a silent anxiety attack so they know to leave me alone for the time being. I press my hand to my chest when I having problems and they will give me a questioning thumbs up to check if I’m ok or need anything. Like I said, I hope it doesn’t happen again or that it’s just a rare thing for you, but if it does, try not to worry about it to much. It does get easier to deal with and you can always ask me if you need help or have questions about it.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you so much for all the advice. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has gone through this. I’ve always been a naturally anxious and shaky person but never like this. I don’t know why recently I’ve been extreme anxiety over little things. Maybe it’s because I’m going through a rough time or it was just the situation I was in. I’ll definitely try to explain to them what happened in person and I’ll keep track of anything like this if it happens again. Once again, thank you so much for this because I’m so scared over what happened and worse was the fact that I couldn’t explain it to anyone and they didn’t understand.

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  2. The attack you had is a pretty normal symptom a variety of anxiety issues. They’re essentially just mental migraines. If you go to a psychiatrist and get yourself diagnosed, you can get pills for this stuff, but honestly, there’s no real point. You just get used to them. For me, I know when they’re coming and I just go to the bathroom or hide somewhere else. It just becomes a normal part of your life after a while

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your feedback! I’ve never been diagnosed with anything but then again, I’ve never really been to a psychiatrist either. Hopefully, it doesn’t happen again but if it does I’ll go to the bathroom. That’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted to left alone.

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  3. Also, I find that going for a run on some quiet streets or trails really helps. You can literally run away from people, without looking like there’s anything wrong. As a side note, I really like your blog. Unlike a lot of pro ana blogs, yours doesn’t glorify your misery, which makes it seem really honest. Thanks for writing.

    Liked by 1 person

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