Earlier today I mentioned I was going to write about something big that happened to me. Well, here it is.
Firstly, I want to put a HUGE trigger warning on this post! I will be talking about some serious mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and self-harm so please don’t read if you are easily triggered.
The other day I had a full-blown panic attack. I don’t know exactly what triggered it or how it happened, but it happened. I remember I was talking to one of my professors and a friend when all of a sudden, I started to feel incredibly anxious and nervous. I started shaking and I could not breathe. They kept trying to calm me down and telling me to breathe, but I couldn’t relax or breathe. I don’t know how but I couldn’t control what was happening to me. I couldn’t even explain it to them. All of a sudden, I see 3 men in uniform and an intern and that’s when I turned even more anxious. I walked up and left for the door. They started asking me multiple questions like where I lived, how I was going to get home, if I take medication, etc. Obviously, this just made me freak out even more. I started crying and I kept telling them I wanted to leave and go home but they wouldn’t let me. I felt so intimidated with 6 men all on me and I couldn’t control what was happening to me. That’s when I told them that I was an adult and I could leave anytime I wanted. So I left. I felt terrified and overwhelmed, I had to get out of there.
I ran back to the main building on campus and went back to my usual hangout spot with my friends. They could tell that I was emotionally distraught and they kept asking me what’s wrong. I told them I was being followed by security and I needed to hide. My two girlfriends helped me find a hiding spot on campus and stayed with me until I calmed down. I realized that the security had sent the professor and my friend looking for me and they had a security car parked at every campus door. I felt extremely overwhelmed. I felt like I was being chased like a criminal. Eventually, my two girlfriends were able to sneak me through the back and call up another friend who drove me home.
When I got home, I didn’t know what to do. I was trying so hard to try to internalize everything that just happened and try to figure out a logical solution. Later, I called up a friend and she tried to calm me down and she explained to me what was happening. She said that my one friend had texted her worried about me. She tried to explain that these people just wanted to help me and that the way I reacted made me look like a mentally unstable person. She said that I should text my friend and email my professor to let them know I was okay. She talked to me for about an hour to make sure I was okay and relaxed. I felt so much better after talking to her. I texted my friend and emailed the professor to let them know I was very sorry and I was okay. This morning, I also received a phone call from security to make sure I was okay.
Now, I can’t explain what happened to me because I don’t know. I felt extremely anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, scared, emotional, everything just going through my head at once. I know I should have never walked out and ran away the way I did. That was very wrong. I know that I should have just answered their questions. I know what I should have done to ensure that the situation didn’t get to the point that it did, but I didn’t. I reacted without thinking. They were just trying to help me because they care about me (especially my friend who’s always been there for me). I just don’t know how to explain what happened and I didn’t know how to verbalize that I felt scared.
I don’t know exactly what happened to me but I’ll try my best to explain. Physically, I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all and I kept gasping for air, my heart was beating so fast that I felt that it was going to pop out of my chest, I had uncontrollable shaking with my hands and legs, and all this made me incredibly dizzy. Mentally, I felt so many emotions going through my head all at once and I couldn’t verbalize what was going on. I was so scared, nervous, worried, anxious, stressed, everything really and all I could do was cry and shake to express this. No accurate words came out of my mouth. This is the best way I can explain what happened to me.
I have no idea why this happened at all. I was stressed out about school, friends, my breakup, life. Maybe it was that. Maybe I was uncomfortable talking to that professor. I really don’t know. I’ve always been a naturally anxious and shaky person but never to this extent. Now, I always feel anxious, scared, irritated, sad, and depressed about everything. I don’t know exactly why.
I guess the reason why I am writing this is because I started to read about some of the symptoms I have. I have so many symptoms fitting into social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder/attacks, paranoia, dependent personality disorder, depression, self-injury and even things like schizophrenia and psychosis. Yup, I’m crazy. I see a lot of the symptoms in these disorders in myself. I know that I need help, I’ve always known that I am not normal. I don’t what to do but writing about it makes me feel better and a little less crazy.
Has anyone else felt this way before? Has anything similar happened to you? Please share any type of story or advice if you are comfortable. Thank you!
Your crazy friend who still loves you all,